Yesterday was a really good day for me. I went to see my midwife for my three week postpartum checkup. I’ve been healing up great and the baby has been growing. She is already out growing her newborn clothes. We talked about some important things that have been weighing on my mind.
Later, I had a friend come over and stay for a few hours. We had dinner together, which my husband cooked.
But today I’m home alone with the little ones. My husband is at work today which is great for our budget but hard on me. I feel very much alone especially now that the girls are sleeping. So I turn to the internet which is a poor substitution for companionship. Having a baby is a wonderful thing. But recovering can be rather lonely.
I’ve also noticed that I feel more upset about my cesarean now than a couple weeks ago. At first I felt like my body was ruined. But now as I’m healing I feel like I was violated in a sense. A cesarean is something that is irreversible. Something that I can’t undo or take back. Something that was necessary and therefore out of my control. I feel cheated out of birthing my daughter. I feel so wounded in my heart. I had no idea that the emotion scarring would be worse than the physical.