Yesterday morning I cried because I never got to see my Angel Gabriel grow and be born. I purposed that I wouldn’t write down his due date (but I know it has passed) or remind myself what age he would be if he hadn’t died. I don’t want to live my life wondering what if. I know that he had a short life and didn’t even make it out of my womb alive. But he had a meaningful life and parents who were excited to have him and loved him. He brought me joy and I have learned so much about life through his death.
I do know that I wouldn’t be pregnant with Unborn Baby if Angel Gabriel had survived. I wouldn’t know this baby who’s kicking me as if to say I’m in here. I’m able to experience this blessing because of losing my other one. It’s so bittersweet.
I was a very active baby. Unborn Baby is certainly taking after me. I’m so curious to know if it will be a boy or a girl. I just know that this baby’s strength is what I need right now. I need the comfort of knowing that my baby is alive and kicking. It’s starting to get uncomfortable as the baby is bigger and stronger. I can feel Unborn Baby kicking ribs as my uterus has stretched into my rib cage. But I’m thankful because even now I sometimes don’t believe that I’m actually having another baby. It seems unreal. But it becomes more real every day as my belly swells larger and larger. It becomes more real when I can feel arms and legs as my baby moves and turns.
I pray that God will bless me with a good birth. I have no idea what to expect. I know that it will be different than my daughter’s birth. I know that it will be more joyful than my miscarriage. But I also know that I’m risking everything. Creating life, giving birth, is really about life and death. You have to stare death in the face. I know that if everything goes right that won’t be the end. It will be the beginning of life for this little one who will be such a challenge and joy to raise. This little life who will wear my heart as my daughter does. Being a mother sometimes feels like your heart is breaking. Like you are dying inside. Because every time your child is hurt, you hurt worse.