A couple days ago I wrote about life being a gift. I’ve learned to appreciate life more because of death. Sometimes people wonder why God allows people to die. Or why He allows babies to die. I don’t know why God chooses to do what He does. But I do know that He teaches us to deal with loss, comforts us during it, and helps us to keep living in joy. I know that one of the reasons God has let me suffer loss is so I can be more caring and compassionate to others.
This may be an upsetting post for some of you to read. My heart cries for you. I’m writing this because I believe it is important to share life’s sorrows with one another.
Before I had my daughter I prayed to God that I would not miscarry. I told Him that I knew I would probably lose a baby sometime in my life. But I did not want to lose my first. I told Him that I couldn’t handle it. He was merciful to give me a wonderful uncomplicated pregnancy and a beautiful, healthy baby girl. Then I got pregnant again when Toddler Girl was a year and a half old. My husband and I were thrilled to be expecting again. We were so happy to be enlarging our family. But for some reason our baby never had a heartbeat. I believe God created our baby and breathed life into him (we refer to our baby as a boy) but something went wrong during his development and his heart never started. We went every week to our midwife for three weeks thinking that maybe our baby was younger than we thought. But finally we had to face the fact that something was wrong. I had an ultrasound that confirmed our baby had indeed died somewhere around ten and a half weeks. We were heartbroken. But I wasn’t shocked. I had stopped feeling pregnant and felt empty inside. I spent the next day in a daze. We grieved over the loss of our baby that weekend. Then I passed the baby. For some reason I thought it would happen quickly and be over. But instead I spent hours having contractions and passing blood clots and my baby’s body. It was devastating to go through “labor” without having the joy of a new baby at the end. Toddler Girl was a huge comfort to me. She cuddled and nursed throughout the day. She was so well behaved too. It was as if she knew that I was going through something really rough. And when I cried, she laughed. It was as if God was letting me know that I still had joy in my life and a reason to live. Toddler Girl kept my sadness from turning into depression.
The hardest part of my miscarriage was telling people. I would see someone I know and they would ask how I was feeling and how the pregnancy was going. And I would have to tell them we lost the baby. I had to do it over and over. The best part was that God was with me the whole time. He had answered my prayers. I realized that being pregnant is a gift even if it is only for a few weeks. It was a honor to have God create life in me and to know that His arms welcomed my little one. I believe my baby is in God’s hands and that someday I will meet him.
Now I am pregnant for the third time. I was scared through the whole first trimester that I would lose this baby as well. But God has given me more time with this one. I’m 19 weeks pregnant right now. I’ve felt grateful for feeling nauseous and tired because it is proof that I am pregnant. I have had the joy of feeling Unborn Baby kick and move for seven weeks. Life is a gift. Rejoice in that gift!